Biography - Book - Hope For Others
I am writing today to share as honestly as possible, my need to share my story and place in life right now. I have spent the last four years pursuing a dream of finding a positive way to share my experiences with bipolar disorder. In 2002 I wrote a screenplay based upon different aspects of the illness and how it has affected my personal well-being, my career, my former and current relationship with my son's mom, and my relationship with my son. I researched and networked with the independent and professional film industry to find a way to bring the story to a feature film level. I am now at the pinnacle of its fruition, trying to raise the $350,000 to make it happen. Currently I am in process of seeking grants, private funding, and the establishment of non-profit status - sponsorship. In a personal update blog several weeks ago, I put into place some goals that were to inspire me to make some incredible things happen. I continue to remain completely optimistic and encouraged by possibility. However...I will openly admit that I am experiencing the most severe and difficult fall season (S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder) that I have ever experienced in my life. Short of making every effort humanly possible to make it to work everyday, perform as a good teacher - putting on a happy face for 8 1/2 hours, pretending to be happy and enthusiastic, and trying to be the very best father for my son I can be...I have for the most part slept through the months of October and November. Medications suck the life and energy out of me, and I have made food my comfort, ally, and adversary...putting on 35 pounds in a month and a half. Prior to October, I had lost 45 pounds from August through September. I was lucky if I answered the phone for anyone and if I did, it was some of the best acting and repressing of feelings I have ever done. My house had become the world of the box that I describe to others as what the illness is like. I made the horrific mistake 'again' to go off of my medication to try to find the mania that has eluded me for so long and that which gives me the power to accomplish pletheras of work and move mountains. Unfortunately my risks have taken me to some of the deepest, most consistent, and darkest depressions in years. I do...in every sense of the expression and words...live day to day right now...15 minutes at a time.
Now..."why in the hell" is he telling everyone this you might ask. Or not?! The heartfelt truth is that people 'need' to know how this illness works and not turn and run or ignore it when people who have it, stuggle with it. I will go as far to say that suicide crosses my mind on a regular basis, however it is the same thing I share with every group I speak to as well. The reality is that I have the greatest gift ever given to me in my little boy and I realize my unselfish and priceless responsibility to be there for him as he deserves. Secondly, I believe as deep as a heart and soul can reach, that there is an ocean of hope, inspiration, and gifts I have to give to others - yet to be tapped. It is my son and those 'hopeful' gifts that breathe life into me each day and every fifteen minutes if necessary. If worry were people, I would be China...but I rest comforted in the fact that I have numbed myself to the negative thoughts, feelings, and criticisms of others regarding my illness. I have a gift within this illness to help break the negative stigma that surrounds it and is sadly unknown and misunderstood by so many others.
I have to believe that for the thousands...no...millions of dollars that are spent on so many, poor quality - horseshit films every year, that there are funds available to make something artistic and realistic that will have the potential to educate and help countless people. It has just been very frustrating not being able to find it 'yet'. I realize patient-persistence is of the essence, yet I will hold out or die trying to make this work as long as I absolutely have to.
Until then, I will continue to pursue the dream passionately as it has manifested itself in me four-plus years ago. I decided this week to begin sharing my book with as many people as I can. Some people will pass over what I write, but it is with unconditional hope that it may touch, move, or inspire 'someone' else who may be in a bad place or feeling less than what they are truly capable of becoming as I have experienced so many times.
That is my latest update. Obviously more sad than the previous entries, but riddled with hope, optimism, and undying patience.
The following blog/update will begin the book 15 Minutes At A Time with a condensed version of my biography and the first of the fifteen Polarity Poems. Thank you for your patience and for reading.
Warmest wishes,
Matthew Nichols
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