Book - 15 Minutes At A Time

Biography - Choice/Life

Fifteen minutes. That is exactly what this is. Fifteen minutes at a time in the day and life of another bipolar. Oh no, you might say. Do I have to listen to someone depress me to death before I even turn a few pages? No, you don't. It is simply a unique, insightful, and creative view into life, from a different looking glass.

Over two and a half million and growing are the number of people from young to old in the United States, who are being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Then there are the eighty million plus who suffer from some form of depression. Approximately one in six adults, and one in five children, obtain mental health services in a given year alone. What does this have to do with the price of eggs? Absolutely nothing!

The reality is that I am one very small percentage point of a growing population that is living with a particular form of mental illness, bipolar disorder, formerly known as manic-depression. I have also been diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder), OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), SAD (social anxiety disorder), SMD (seasonal mood disorder), and if you throw in a few more letters I'd be 3-D (three-dimensional).

To put my worry and significance into perspective, throw that percentage point in the mix with the millions of people in the United States and around the world who: have cancer, are terminally ill, have diabetes, heart disease, failing organs, birth defects, addictions, learning disabilities, physical disabilities, cognitive disabilities, rare diseases, experience famine, are homeless, killed in combat, are murdered, disappear, die in accidents, are impoverished, or who take their lives...to name a few.

My place in this world and life with mental illness is put into perspective very simply, when I stop to think about what so many others are struggling through or have to deal with in their own worlds and lives.

It is my situation nonetheless and one which has been a struggle and a blessing at the same time. The symptoms can be many, the struggles horrific at times, and the answers for a cure are nonexistent to date. Yet again I have to breathe in and out, I have to get up each day, and I have to function and live day to day like the hundreds of millions, and essentially billions of others in the world. To me that means being a wonderful father, son, brother, nephew, grandson, elementary teacher, neighbor, friend, and whatever other hats I live with and wear.

I was born in a good family, the youngest of five boys and with two very loving parents. We were all actively involved in sports and my parents could very likely have seen every sporting event each one of us ever had.

We fought and argued as most siblings do. Some fists were thrown, but at the end of the day we were family and would do anything for one another. We had enough variety in personalities to develop a conservative, comical, athletic, and creative team.

My mother was a quiet homemaker who nurtured, sacrificed, and cooked until we fell asleep from exhaustion. She threw in an occasional, humble opinion, but made sure we always had enough and were well taken care of, despite a modest salary that my father worked very hard to provide.

My father was a hardworking, committed family man who was very involved and respected in church, the community, and in our family. If he wasn't spending time with us, or being a devoted husband, he was fixing or building something.

Both my parents believed in a strong family bond, church on Sundays, good manners, and respect of adults and others. If we ever heard my mother swear it would have made the national news, because it just never happened. My father was a lot of fun and easy going, but to get out of line was to face a once broken, pointing finger that curved to the side and subtly warned us to get our act together. Despite being a humble 5'8", he always demanded, expected, and taught respect. We learned many wonderful qualities from both of them.

My brothers and I had our share of issues, got into our share of troubles, and made many life-learning mistakes. In retrospect we were a normal dysfunctional family. As time went on the difference in age between my brothers and I became more apparent, as being on my own became more difficult. From the oldest to myself, we were eleven, ten, five, and four years apart respectfully.

My concern over consistent issues became more apparent in my freshman year in high school. Through extensive journaling I began to see a pattern with thoughts of suicide as an answer to each of my difficult problems. With my brothers gone, a fear of disappointing them, and not being strong enough to handle everything, I fell into a dangerous place of self-destruction.

Emotional failure grew as a part of my personality and I hid behind an obsessive desire to be successful in athletics. Over the course of the next three years of high school I think I matured at a catastrophically slow rate and in essence, continued to deteriorate any self-esteem I had left.

Then when I was eighteen and in my first year of college, I sat in my college dorm bathroom tucked in the corner of the showers, sobbing, with a razor blade to my wrist. Deep within the darkest places of my mind I was alone, feeling insignificant, expendable, and a failure beyond imagination. I desired death and closure. What I didn't recognize at the time was in essence a desire to cry out for help. A place where countless others fall silent, eventually following through on a suicidal path of an irreparable choice.

The following morning I packed a bag and headed home to do one of the most difficult things I would ever do, and that was to share this with my parents. Undoubtedly it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. This marked the official transfer into the manic-depressive world now known as bipolar disorder.

What many people don't understand however is that it doesn't just go away. It can be years of continued struggles, adjustments, and reconditioning of your previous thoughts. I tried for so long to describe to people what was going on in my mind. I could only describe it by saying, "In my mind lie a box and a silent world, that I try desperately to escape from, every moment of everyday." It finally came to me to draw fifteen pictures of a faceless figure in a clear box and the fifteen different emotions that I would go through over the course of one day. Some emotions were less frequent than others, but there were usually more of the severe highs and lows. It put my thoughts into perspective and helped me to understand where I was each day.

Then there is the unavoidable and always present debate over medication. The questions are raised: is it really necessary? Are there alternatives? If so, what is the best medication? What works? What doesn't? Are you taking it regularly? And the list goes on.

One of the greatest challenges of being on a medication is being consistent in taking it. The reality for many bipolar people, and myself is that the medication which brings normalcy to heightened emotions, takes away the much-needed manic and euphoric highs that are so often sought to keep going. Thus, a brutal pattern begins. The act of purposefully going off medication to get the desired manic and euphoric highs until the inevitable crash into depression, and the overwhelming circumstances return.

In nineteen years of rediscovering and relearning I had embarked on a path of how to quietly survive my dysfunction and create a world that I could safely live with. Through seventeen counselors, six different medications, and thousands of pages of journals, writings, and poems later, I now live with a silent lucidity and greater piece of mind.

It was only through a strong faith, unconditional patience, and incredible support from family and friends that I am here to share my experiences. The significance of this is evident in much of my writing, and becomes more obvious as the subject of each poem speaks to the emotions and situations at that particular time of my life. There are so many things, so many events, so many chapters I could write about, but don't need to. There are many great books and stories of people out there with bipolar and mental illness who have succeeded through adversity. I wanted to tell my story through a different view - from inside the box.

We all face our own demons, our own struggles, our own trials and tribulations, and we all handle them in the best way we are capable. Outside of that, that is the beauty of friends, family, professional help, and faith in a higher power. Again, to each person those variables will differ slightly.

Nonetheless, our lives and experiences make us what we are and who we are. I use writing as my way to vent, explain, heal, cope, live, and grow as a person. The following poems or writings were written over the last sixteen years and are the real-life growth that I have experienced in the last thirty-seven years. The poems have matured over time and have become more personal as I have grown and continue to grow as a person. They are not right or wrong, just another view into the world through another's eyes. I have tried to express my view of life as it manifests itself inside my head, heart, and soul, as the experiences became a part of my everyday world.

I hope at the very least it may open some eyes to similar experiences, empathetic thoughts, new understandings, the possibility of helping others to question themselves, or to give help, guidance, and hope to those who may need it.



Choice - Life


I am to live
I wonder all the wonderful things that lay ahead for me
I hear praises, encouragement, hope, and love
I see the flattened walls that used to bind me - as a path to new beginnings
I want to help thousands...no millions how to see life from outside the box
I am to live


I pretend that polarity is a gift and not an impediment
I feel hope and faith that moves mountains
I touch hearts that have screamed and longed for a voice that could
bring vision to their unexplained worlds
I worry that there are many who have yet to reach for help
I cry purely in happiness for freedom from the box
I am to live


I understand that people find themselves inside the box at some time, as 'none' are immune
I say it's all right to be in the box, but recognize when it's time to get out or reach out
I dream that people will learn to see polarity's box in others, so that fewer and fewer fall to the darkest places
I try...every second of every day to do the best I can in this world...the least we can ask of ourselves
I hope that people will have learned that emotions are three-dimensional
I am to live


(Written: 1-19-01)


CHOICE (LIFE) LEVEL 15

Choice to live represents a healthy step toward living life outside of the box. It illustrates a person looking at their life positively and with new choices that are healthy and productive.

Personal Update - Bipolar the Movie

Biography - Book - Hope For Others

I am writing today to share as honestly as possible, my need to share my story and place in life right now. I have spent the last four years pursuing a dream of finding a positive way to share my experiences with bipolar disorder. In 2002 I wrote a screenplay based upon different aspects of the illness and how it has affected my personal well-being, my career, my former and current relationship with my son's mom, and my relationship with my son. I researched and networked with the independent and professional film industry to find a way to bring the story to a feature film level. I am now at the pinnacle of its fruition, trying to raise the $350,000 to make it happen. Currently I am in process of seeking grants, private funding, and the establishment of non-profit status - sponsorship. In a personal update blog several weeks ago, I put into place some goals that were to inspire me to make some incredible things happen. I continue to remain completely optimistic and encouraged by possibility. However...I will openly admit that I am experiencing the most severe and difficult fall season (S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder) that I have ever experienced in my life. Short of making every effort humanly possible to make it to work everyday, perform as a good teacher - putting on a happy face for 8 1/2 hours, pretending to be happy and enthusiastic, and trying to be the very best father for my son I can be...I have for the most part slept through the months of October and November. Medications suck the life and energy out of me, and I have made food my comfort, ally, and adversary...putting on 35 pounds in a month and a half. Prior to October, I had lost 45 pounds from August through September. I was lucky if I answered the phone for anyone and if I did, it was some of the best acting and repressing of feelings I have ever done. My house had become the world of the box that I describe to others as what the illness is like. I made the horrific mistake 'again' to go off of my medication to try to find the mania that has eluded me for so long and that which gives me the power to accomplish pletheras of work and move mountains. Unfortunately my risks have taken me to some of the deepest, most consistent, and darkest depressions in years. I do...in every sense of the expression and words...live day to day right now...15 minutes at a time.

Now..."why in the hell" is he telling everyone this you might ask. Or not?! The heartfelt truth is that people 'need' to know how this illness works and not turn and run or ignore it when people who have it, stuggle with it. I will go as far to say that suicide crosses my mind on a regular basis, however it is the same thing I share with every group I speak to as well. The reality is that I have the greatest gift ever given to me in my little boy and I realize my unselfish and priceless responsibility to be there for him as he deserves. Secondly, I believe as deep as a heart and soul can reach, that there is an ocean of hope, inspiration, and gifts I have to give to others - yet to be tapped. It is my son and those 'hopeful' gifts that breathe life into me each day and every fifteen minutes if necessary. If worry were people, I would be China...but I rest comforted in the fact that I have numbed myself to the negative thoughts, feelings, and criticisms of others regarding my illness. I have a gift within this illness to help break the negative stigma that surrounds it and is sadly unknown and misunderstood by so many others.

I have to believe that for the thousands...no...millions of dollars that are spent on so many, poor quality - horseshit films every year, that there are funds available to make something artistic and realistic that will have the potential to educate and help countless people. It has just been very frustrating not being able to find it 'yet'. I realize patient-persistence is of the essence, yet I will hold out or die trying to make this work as long as I absolutely have to.

Until then, I will continue to pursue the dream passionately as it has manifested itself in me four-plus years ago. I decided this week to begin sharing my book with as many people as I can. Some people will pass over what I write, but it is with unconditional hope that it may touch, move, or inspire 'someone' else who may be in a bad place or feeling less than what they are truly capable of becoming as I have experienced so many times.

That is my latest update. Obviously more sad than the previous entries, but riddled with hope, optimism, and undying patience.

The following blog/update will begin the book 15 Minutes At A Time with a condensed version of my biography and the first of the fifteen Polarity Poems. Thank you for your patience and for reading.

Warmest wishes,

Matthew Nichols

New Music Artists - Funding - Appearance

NEW MUSIC ARTISTS

We are very excited to announce two new artists offering their songs for consideration to the Bipolar soundtrack. The first artist is Kyler England and her song "No More Sad Songs". With Los Angeles as a home base, Kyler is touring extensively across the US, playing more than a hundred shows each year from 2003-2006, and has shared the stage with Sting, Melissa Etheridge, Gavin DeGraw and Annie Lennox among many others. Those in the know in the independent music world are well acquainted with Kyler's tremendous talent, and know it's only a matter of time before she bursts onto the mainstream scene. Kyler won 1st Place in the 2004 Unisong International Songwriting Contest, 1st Place in the 2004 Mid-Atlantic Songwriting Contest, was winner of the 2002 North Carolina Songwriters Competition, and her studio record "A Flower Grows In Stone" won "Best Alternative Rock CD of 2004" in the Indie Acoustic Project's Best CDs of 2004. "No More Sad Songs" from her latest EP The Green Room Sessions was featured in a two-minute montage at the end of Guiding Light's episode on Tuesday 10/31/06. It was a beautiful and emotional union of the song with the story and picture. Asheville Citizen Times says, "Kyler England writes and sings of live wires and brushfires, things that are fast to ignite and faster still to burn out. Rife with complex melodies and emotional honesty, her songs crackle to life with her sultry, magnetic delivery." And Performing Songwriter Magazine recently said: "A Flower Grows in Stone' contains 14 compassionate and introspective songs, all performed with confidence and intimacy." You can find Kyler's touring schedule, biography, and 4 new songs plus a live unplugged video at www.kylerengland.com and www.myspace.com/kylerengland. I am really excited to have Kyler's song considered for the soundtrack. She is an incredibly talented, humble, and very kind person. (Matthew Nichols)

The second artist is Kelly Buchanan and her song "I'm Okay". While marching her energetic rock shows across the country, touring on her own and and supporting artists including Martha Wainwright and former Soul Coughing frontman Mike Doughty, Kelly has earned an army of fans that ultimately financed the making of Bastard Daughter. "Kelly Buchanan's voice is the bulldozer rampaging down the center aisle of the health food store," writes Rolling Stone's Rob Sheffield. "It's simple: get out of the way or get run over." Indeed, this audacious singer-guitarist, a product of the fertile Boston rock scene who now lives in New York, has a tendency to lure you to the X on the sidewalk with a bright melody and a perfect hook before dropping a piano on your head. And when it happens, it's the most welcome collision you've ever experienced. The Boston Globe says, "Kelly Buchanan is just what we need: A homegrown singer-songwriter of the hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned school…. Be careful not to get too close, though—these lyrics could rip you to shreds." In exchange for CDs of demos, autographed advance copies of the finished record, liner note thank-yous and other goodies, fans donated to the making of the album from before the start of recording all the way through mixing, mastering and manufacturing. It's an innovative strategy and one that demonstrates how Kelly Buchanan touches lives and inspires loyalty from her listeners. You can find Kelly's touring schedule, biography, and songs at www.kellybuchanan.com and www.myspace.com/kellybuchanan. I am also very excited to have Kelly's song considered for the soundtrack. She too is an incredibly talented, humble, and very kind person. (Matthew Nichols)

FUNDING

(Matthew Nichols) Funding for the film continues and we have some very good prospects on the horizon. Too early to tell who is going to commit and support the project just yet, but in early talks with several parties - the interest is definately there. This has grown into something much more than just a film. It has become a project that many people are rallying behind whether interested in film, part of the mental health community, or knowing someone who has the illness. I set a pretty lofty goal to have all of the funds by the end of December...but absolutely believe it's possible, and will do everything humanly - possible to make it come to fruition. Stay tuned...

APPEARANCES

Matthew Nichols will appear this Saturday, November 11 - 10:30 a.m. at
Fireside Books, 1331 West Paradise Drive - West Bend, WI 53035.

Radio Interview - Bipolar/Bipolar the Movie

Radio Interview - 89.7 Milwaukee Public Radio
INTERVIEW - BIPOLAR/BIPOLAR THE MOVIE

89.7 WUWM Art Producer - Bonnie North - Speaks With Milwaukee Teacher, Writer, Filmmaker - Matthew Nichols

Tuesday morning was a time for Bonnie North, WUWM Art Producer and host of the daily program Lake Effect, to sit down and talk with Milwaukee's Matthew Nichols about his life with bipolar disorder, and his upcoming feature film - Bipolar.

In an enlightening and intriguing interview, North and Nichols discuss a variety of topics surrounding the illness. Nichols shared candidly how bipolar disorder has affected his life and relationships, its influence on his passion for writing and helping others, and how it has given him the inspiration to produce a feature length film entitled Bipolar.

Hear the interview and Nichols' story at http://www.wuwm.com/view_le.php?articleid=29

Milwaukee - Community Newspapers Inc.

FROM THE BRINK

Beloved teacher, coach battles back from mental illness with book, movie

By Mary Buckley - Staff Writer

NORTH SHORE - Most likely to succeed, Brown Deer High School, Class of 1987, Matthew Nichols finds a certain irony when he looks back at his high school yearbook and finds that title attached to him. In that year, Nichols set off for college at the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh determined to become a professional baseball player. Success would be playing in the pros. Years later, Nichols, 37, is an elementary school teacher, father and soon-to-be movie actor and co-producer of a semiautobiographical film called "Bipolar". He has struggled mightily to get where he is today, subduing the terrors of mental illness so he can do the ordinary - and the extraordinary. It's not that the illness is gone.

EVERYDAY STRUGGLES - "I would be lying to you if I said I don't struggle with it everyday," he said. But with medication and counseling, he has learned to cope. He wrote a book - "15 Minutes At A Time" - based on the ups and downs of his bipolar disorder, diagnosed in his freshman year of college. The book, however, is not enough. Nichols has started to speak to groups about living with mental illness and has written a script based on his experiences. He is working with Whitefish Bay's Dan Kattman and Drew Maxwell of Lightning Rod Studios to bring the script, called "Bipolar", to the screen. The script focuses on the early stages of a marriage, the realization of the main character's bipolar disorder and its effect on his relationships. "It leads into the epiphany of how to manage it and heal those relationships," Nichols said. "I want people to understand and see what people with bipolar disorder go through."

PUSHED TO THE EDGE - The youngest of five boys, he left for Oshkosh to pursue his dream of playing college baseball and becoming a professional baseball player. "I wasn't prepared for the changes at college," he said. "I didn't know how to handle it." He sat one night in the shower with a razor next to his writst, but found the strength to beat back his demons, pack his bags and go home to talk to his parents and find some help. Bipolar Disorder, also known as manic-depression, is believed to be both genetic and environmental. There is no cure, but with medication and counseling, patients can live normal lives. "I want people to know you can be a good father, a good parent, a good teacher (with mental illness)," Nichols said.

HIGH HIGHS, LOW LOWS - Bipolar disorder is all about emotional ups and downs, highs that are way too high and lows that scrape the bottom. "Unmanaged, mania leads to all kinds of bad things," Nichols said. "You think you can take on the world. It can lead to free spending or being up hours on end." The down is completely down. "You just shut down," he said. Nichols went back to college, but not to Oshkosh, instead to UW-Whitewater. "I needed a change of atmosphere," he said. "At Whitewater, I volunteered at a Children's Center and learned I wanted to teach."

TAUGHT IN BROWN DEER - Graduating in 1994, he landed a job teaching and coaching in Brown Deer, where he stayed for six years. Along the way he got married and had a son, Seth, who is now 7. Although the marriage has ended, partially from stress caused by his illness, Nichols and his ex-wife remain friends, sharing custody of their son. "He is the reason I am here," Nichols said. "He was my saving grace." Nichols left teaching in 2000 to pursue a family business called GlowRange, based in New Mexico and Arizona. He returned home after nine months when his parents became ill. "I realized after I got back I needed to be in teaching," he said. "Teaching is one place I can go and forget about myself." He started to substitute teach, returning to full-time teaching at Hadfield Elementary School in Waukesha in 2005.

WRITING ABOUT HIS LIFE - While working his way back into full-time teaching, Nichols decided to share some of his insights about mental illness. "People have such a stigma about this, especially when I started teaching," he said. "It's not well received." Being bipolar is like living in a transparent box where you can be seen, but it's a place you cannot leave, he said. Nichols learned to live 15 minutes at a time. "That was the length of time I could manage," he said. "I would sometimes need to stop, step back and figure out how to get out of mania or depression." He also wrote the screenplay for "Bipolar", took acting lessons and started fundraising for the film. He plans to play himself in the film. "I know the role very well," he said wryly.

PRODUCERS FROM BAY - He researched independent filmmaking, finding Kattman and Maxwell in the process. Kattman, an entertainment attorney with Reinhart Boerner Van Deuren SC, formed Lightning Rod Studios with Maxwell about three years ago, but they have worked together for a number of years. They enjoy science fiction movies because they like creating special effects, but they do other types of films as well. "We specialize in getting projects off the ground," Kattman said. They have been successful, he said, because they are business-oriented and have a distribution plan in place before production begins. "Matt's is a great project," he said. "We're really excited about it and hope to get it off the ground within the next year." Kattman said they hope to convince some drug manufacturers to invest in the film. "It's a positive film," he said. "There are not too many out there where pharmaceutical companies are represented in a positive way." Nichols hopes the movie will educate people about bipolar disorder, making them understand that it is a lifelong struggle, but it can be managed. "It took six medications and 17 counselors until we found the combinations that fit," he said. "People sometimes give up too quick." Fortunately he did not. Now he realizes that success comes in many packages, one of them being good parent, teacher and advocate for those with mental illness.

Personal Update - Bipolar the Movie

Goals & Vision For the Film

This next blog is from the heart and pretty much paves the way for the next four months of my life and the progress of Bipolar the Movie. On a personal level I will focus on the two most important pieces of my life right now, and that is being the best possible father I can be to my little boy and to be the best teacher I can be to my second graders. With that said, the goals for my advocation are about to become the most challenging I will place upon myself yet - in addition to getting any semblance of sleep.

I have set five major goals professionally from now until December 31. The first is to secure underwriting funds to do a multiple city tour of speaking; to share my story and valuable information educating others on bipolar disorder, share my artwork - which coincides with the presentations, and to promote the upcoming feature film "Bipolar".

The second is to complete the fifteen paintings that are part of the Polarity Paintings - Series for display in the presentations and showings. The third is to complete a unique and inspiring video for teenagers, young adults, and related groups focusing on the difficult topic of suicide, providing inspiration in all we are and do.

The fourth will be to write and submit a follow-up autobiography to a national publishing company. The first book 15 Minutes At A Time, of a brief biography and 120 writings/poems, did not tell the deeper story that I believe can help many people to relate and find hope in their struggles. My story is no more grandiose or significant than anyone else's, but believe it offers a view from the mind not yet shared by others. I don't care how simple it may sound, but if sharing my story helps one teenager, one adult, or simply one person from taking their life and giving themselves a second chance - then everything I have done, everything I have shared, everything I have gone through will have been worth it. Anything beyond that is just incredible and a wonderful bonus.

The fifth and most challenging will be to raise the $300,000 to make and produce the feature film "Bipolar". As humble as I can possibly be, I will confidently say that we 'will' raise the entire amount by the end of December or sooner. I say this for several reasons.

Number one, and in no particular order, I believe in the law of attraction. If you visualize it and believe without a semblance of doubt that it will be and can happen - it will happen! Remove 'all' doubt and visualize with clarity in our mind exactly what we want and need, and we will attract the events and people to make it come to fruition. I absolutely believe it to be true...and have to. My faith is also as strong as it has ever been, but I keep that personal and to myself.

There are many people who ask me how the film is going and I believe genuinely for the most part that they are interested and want to see where the progress currently is. However, whether it be family, friends, or an average inquiry, I don't completely buy into their inherent interest and belief that it will succeed. An elementary teacher? Making a feature film? Naaah. Sadly, my experience with all of this so far has proven people in general to look for failure, to doubt, to unknowingly critique, to tell how 'they' think it should really be done, or to see a fall in a person's attempt to do something they have never done before. I am just sharing it as I have experienced it thus far. These thoughts, these feelings, these opinions...only make my resolve to succeed greater and more passionate. I know there are many people out there who 'truly' do want to see "Bipolar" succeed...and I am and will do everything humanly possible to make that happen.

Secondly, I have searched and patiently surrounded myself with some wonderful, professional people in the business. There are those who are out only for themselves, but you search - and search - and search some more, until you find those people who not only want to help, but will go out of their way to see something creative come to life. And not because they want the spotlight, or the recognition, but because they genuinely want to help others succeed and see something creative and unique come to life. If you surround yourself with great people, whether friends, family, or professionally - incredible things can happen. I've been very blessed and fortunate to have people like that helping with this film and other dreams I hope to accomplish.

A third and very important reason I know we will find the resources to make this film and have it succeed, is that I believe it has value and purpose for many. I will say boldly and please excuse the harshness of this, but there are so many films that are absolute-shit, poorly made, and funded with hundreds, if not millions of dollars. If by some horrible, unimaginable fate the film is not well done or not inspirational to others - I will be the first to stand up and take whatever criticism and blame that is given and necessary for its failure. I know there will be some people who simply won't like it because I breathe in and out - or that my heart beats. I understand that. Films are subjective and what one person loves another may dislike. I just have to believe that there is enough positive support, encouragement, and backing for something as far-reaching as bipolar disorder, and the thousands of lives it touches.

As I have said before...what does all this have to do with the price of eggs? Nothing! I just wanted to take the risk to share openly what I am setting out to do, what this movie means to me, and what I hope to accomplish by bringing it to fruition. That is simply - to bring hope and inspiration to others.

Four months...time will tell.

NAMI - of Greater Milwaukee Presentation

Okay...procrastination can be a horrible thing, so guilty as charged. I wanted to go back a few weeks and talk briefly about a shared-presentation I did with an incredible woman named Diane Lotter on July 31, 2006. Diane is an incredible woman in her early fifties who wrote a beautiful book on her life with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. We spoke at a meeting for NAMI - of Greater Milwaukee and I was in awe of Diane's story. Very soft spoken and humble, she shared the brief history of her life with the two disorders, how she battled and beat alcoholism, and is today a successful mother and grandmother. It continues to amaze me, the incredible life changing stories that are out there of people who have made it through incredible odds. They are not famous athletes, famous actors or actresses, but everyday people like you and I - that are seen driving, in the grocery store, or walking down the street. Share your story. Let others know what your struggles are and were and how you overcame them. You never know when or whom your story will positively affect, and the impact it can have on someone else's life. I was so grateful and excited to have been able to get to know Diane and hear another incredible story of someone's survival and perserverance. If you would like to order Diane's book, "The Why of Me", please contact her at dlotter318@sbcglobal.net, or send $19.95 to 840 Weinert Rd. #318 West Bend, WI 53095 (she said she'll pay the postage).

Fireside Books - Presentation & Book Signing

I was a little delayed in posting this one, but Saturday was a great event and proved to be an emotional talk once again. It never ceases to amaze me how many people have or are touched by bipolar disorder, either in their family or someone close to them. The audience was again wonderful and the question and answer session was one of the best yet. I appreciated so many people coming down to listen, especially on such a nice, sunny, Saturday morning. Dennis Uhlig of Fireside Books did a really nice opening introduction on the book and I am very grateful for all he did to set up the book signing. Sometimes it is just surprising how you can have a rough week and then turn around and give a positive, motivational speech to a group of people. Just showing me once again that when you forget about what is troubling and focus on others, it puts you in a better place. The talk went so well, that Fireside and I worked out an arrangement to come back for another talk on Saturday, November 11th, this fall. I am really excited and we're hoping to have many more people to join us this next time. Thank you again to everyone who came out to listen and to Fireside Books for being such a great host.

"Matthew's visit to Fireside Books was a wonderful and very educational experience. Matthew is a great example of what can be done if one keeps a positive attitude and decides to never give up! His presentation was emotional and informative. Many of those who attended asked to have Matthew return so they could invite others to hear him speak. We really appreciated having him!"

Dennis Uhlig - Fireside Books

Updates - July 21, 2006

New Title - Great Progression

Friday night, July 14 was a great night of developments and progression for our upcoming film. It was determined with unanimous approval that the new title will be "Bipolar". It's telling, direct, edgy, and essentially is the basis of the film. The synopsis found at www.polaritymediaproductions.com is based upon Matthew Nichols' life with bipolar disorder and will take a never-before-seen, look at a person diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it's effects on the individual and the relationships that surround them.

Friday also saw the photo shoot with Producers Drew Maxwell and Dan Kattman for the film's new and preliminary concept poster, which will be released in the next few weeks. Maxwell will do the final development of the poster and follow up the quality posters he has already designed. "I was really happy with the work Drew Foerster, www.kaboomfilms.com had done for the original Silent Lucidity poster. "Drew is a great guy and absolutely has his heart and soul in the film industry - as one's should be, just as it is with Dan and Drew (Maxwell). I know Drew (Maxwell) will do an unbelievable job with this poster as he has with all his other posters". Nichols said it would be a short while until the name change is complete as the original working title "Silent Lucidity" is changed. The rock band Queensryche, which owns the rights to the title and song, initially cleared us for use of the song for the soundtrack, but were reluctant and decided not to release the title for use as the film's title. "I loved the words and its fit for the film's subject, but it didn't feel right not to have the title of the film the same as the title track. Queensryche did incredible things for the song and it has brought them tremendous success. I'm grateful they were at least open to discussion for its possibilities. I appreciated that. I am extremely excited about the new title, which was suggested by Drew and it felt perfect right away".

Producers Katmann and Maxwell just completed post-production of their latest project Guardians. Information and details on the film can be found at their website, www.lightningrodstudios.com.

Final fundraising for the film is currently taking place and will come from a number of sources including, but not limited to private investors, mental health associations, and hospitals. Investment opportunities are available for Bipolar the Movie and serious inquiries can contact Matthew Nichols at Polarity Media Productions at the above mentioned website, for questions and information. Interest in the project continues to be very strong and individual investors, in addition to private groups, are also showing a significant interest in the film.

More exciting things to come. Stay tuned!

Updates - July 2, 2006

New Soundtrack Artist & Next Steps

We are very excited to announce another addition to the Silent Lucidity soundtrack. She is Brianna Lane, an incredibly talented musician who currently resides in Minneapolis, Minnesota. She is described as the chick who puts the word "singer" in singer/songwriter. Brianna grew up in Minnesota so you can blame her sweetness on her roots, but this girl has been on the road non-stop for two years so you can hear her experiences in every note she sings. She has a voice and a presence beyond her years. She strums an acoustic guitar with the same sweetness and power in which she sings. Brianna is currently touring nationally in support of her newest release "Radiator". Others say Brianna's songs are beautiful and cathartic, almost telling us that it's OK to feel down, but not to let it get us down at the same time. Her acoustic guitar gently weeps through almost a dozen indie-rock tunes, wandering through an introspective depression while maintaining a brave face all the same (Mish Mash). The soundtrack will feature Brianna's single "When I Get There". An introspective and dramatic song that has the heart and feel to fit well in a specifically chosen scene by producer Matthew Nichols. Brianna is the seventh artist to be added to the soundtrack and adds a unique sound to the great variety and style of the other artists. You can find her songs, touring schedule, and biography at: www.myspace.com/briannalane or briannalanemusic.com. We are very excited to have Brianna with us and think she is a wonderful addition to the Silent Lucidity project (Matthew Nichols).

July will mark the beginning of a very crucial step of the pre-production process. Anytime you have an independent film, obviously one of the main and key factors is attaining the remaining funds to complete the production. Producers Matthew Nichols, Dan Kattman, and Drew Maxwell will be focusing on specific groups in the mental health and medical community. Initial interest in the project is very strong and individual investors are also showing a significant interest in the project. Kattman and Maxwell's previous experience in the independent film industry has indicated consistently that investors in smaller projects are more likely to invest for the creative and unique development of a project. Founding and original investors Mike and Joanne Roberson said they believed the film has great potential and wanted to be part of a project that started from the ground - up, and could be brought to fruition through Nichols' passion and vision for sharing his story of having bipolar disorder. July will also mark the next stages of completing the casting for the lead, female role of Leah Brooks. Several actresses have shown interest and casting will continue following the Fourth of July holiday week. Stay tuned!

Soundtrack & Pre-Production

It has been a pretty good week for pre-production and current progress on the film. The last blog mentioned the possibility of a wonderful, new female artist to the soundtrack for the film. "She" was excited about the project and is interested in having one of her songs included. We are working out some of the details and will announce her song and bio in the very near future. Equally as exciting, another incredible, independent female artist has shown interest in the project. Ironically, I came upon her through MySpace and she has a beautiful voice and song that fits very well with the feel of the film. As with the previous artist, this young woman is excited about the possibilities and a few details need to be discussed with her as well. I will be very excited to announce them both very soon. Music is such an important part of my life and I wanted the soundtrack of the film to have some very unique sounds and a variety of musical artists. We have eight great (and unique) artists so far and I am looking forward to adding more.

The films progress is slow, but steady. No other way to put it than to say that it is an intense process and bringing all the pieces together takes time. Persistent patience is the key. I am just finishing the final two films of ten that I was watching to get "the feel" and cinemaphotograpy ideas for our film. Silent Lucidity is going to have a unique 'edge' to it and we are working adamantly to figure out how we are going to bring that to the audience. We are looking to find just the right combination to show the dynamics of the relationship between Garrett and Leah Brooks, the co-existing role of their son Jack, and the internal/emotional struggles of Garrett. Putting that all together in a unique, new viewpoint will be the fun part. I will be meeting again this week with the other two producers and we will be focusing on the remaining fundraising and narrowing in on our lead actress for the role of Leah Brooks. Stay tuned.

Waukesha Parent Group

Thursday, June 1st, with the Waukesha parent group W.A.S.S.U.P. was one of the most interesting and intriguing speaking events to date. It was a mixture of parents with teenage children and parents whose children had or showed signs of bipolar disorder. We sat around a group of tables together in a large, lobby-cafeteria type room, in a very relaxed setting. I gave my normal presentation, but shared my story as it related more to my experiences as a teenager and how my life was affected with bipolar disorder. There were a couple parents crying and while I never want to see anyone that way, I was really moved to know that what I was sharing touched someone on a personal level. I actually got goosebumps when I saw that. What was really great about the night and discussion was that the conversation and questions were so engaging by everyone. Parents shared some very personal and traumatic experiences about their children and people were on the edge of their seats wanting to listen, ask questions, and share similar struggles of their own. In the same breath there was no loss of a sense of humor and we laughed as much as we shared situations and dialogue. We were fortunate to have two psychologists in attendance and they too offered a tremendous amount of value to the discussions. The one foundational message I left with that night was that sharing experiences with other parents and people who are struggling with a variety of issues is an absolute positive, no matter how difficult the situation. People need to know there are others who are going through some of the very same things as they are. Sharing those experiences brings objectivity to the situations and people can see more clearly how to approach resources and people who can help them. My sincere thanks to Stacey and Katrina at W.A.S.S.U.P. for having me as their guest speaker. It was once again a wonderful and rewarding experience.

Martha Merrell's Bookstore - Talk & Reading

Tonight was my second book signing and presentation at Martha Merrell's Bookstore in Waukesha, Wisconsin. It was a great turnout and the audience was very kind and supportive. There were many people who either had bipolar disorder or had someone close to them who has bipolar disorder. I appreciated the insightful questions and it was really nice talking to each and every one of you who purchased a book and waited to have it signed. I love hearing your stories and I appreciated your patience in line as well. I love to share my story and I am very grateful for all the nice compliments. I look forward to the next speaking engagement and Martha Merrell's said they would be happy to have me back again in the future. Norm and Eve Bruce were wonderful hosts.

News And Updates

Polarity Media Productions will begin posting news and updates for production of the film Silent Lucidity, speaking engagements/appearances of Matthew Nichols, and related project information. Please be sure to check back for the latest information.